Shout it from the Rooftop!

You
Said
MAMA!!!!


Today at exactly 1:30pm, five days shy of nine months old, you looked at me and very plainly said . . .
mama.

(Second only to the day of your birth, this is the best day of my life.)

Sacred Moments

Dear Son,

This week I celebrated your first Christmas with you. It has been a time I will never forget. I know that it doesn't mean much to you right now, but my hope is that with time, you will understand the true meaning of this time of year, coupled and balanced adequately with all the fun that comes along with the celebration.
Christmas morning I took you in to see all the spoils that Santa left behind for you . . . you seemed less than thrilled - and opted to instead crawl over to the couch and fetch the phone that was lying just at the edge.
I know I just gotta give it a few more years, but I still gained great joy simply from watching you crumple all the left over wrapping paper!

Tonight after you were sleeping as I turned from you to shut off the lamp, I for a second looked back over my shoulder, - and to my surprise, your eyes were open, and you were just looking at me with the most serene expression. I expected you to, as you usually do, begin nuzzling closer to me to nurse yourself back to sleep . . . but as I rolled back over to face you, you simply stared right into my eyes . . . not making a sound. You reached out with your tiny hand, and with the tips of your little fingers . . . touched my cheek, my mouth . .. my eye lashes - it felt like you were truly looking at me for the first time ever. We must have laid there like that for nearly fifteen minutes, with you just ever so gently touching my face - every few minutes your eyes grew heavy and would close - but then you would open them again and just look at me.

It was a beautiful time to have spent with you . . . a time that I will treasure forever. It was if you were somehow telling me . . . you are my mom - nothing else matters.


I love you Son.

Sweet Child of Mine

Oh my love for the first time in my life,
My eyes are wide open,
Oh my love for the first time in my life,
My eyes can see,

I see the wind,
Oh I see the trees,
Everything is clear in my heart,
I see the clouds,
Oh I see the sky,
Everything is clear in our world,

Oh my love for the first time in my life,
My mind is wide open,
oh my love for the first time in my life,
My mind can feel,

Everything is clear in my heart,
Everything is clear in our world,
I feel the life,
Oh I feel love.


Lennon

Panic in the Bedroom.

Dear Son,

Its been a few weeks since my last letter. The Christmas season has had us both in a whirl wind. If all goes as planned, you'll be making your first (of what I am sure will be many . . . many) visits to Santa today.

But - theres something else on my mind this morning.

I have to admit - for a first timer, I think I'm a pretty great mom. You and I just are just on the same page. I know its an instinct most moms have - but I feel I've honed in on mine very well. :)
Yesterday, that image of myself was tarnished a little bit.

After a week of acrobatics in the front yard, (that includes climbing a tree) all in the name of Christmas decorations - my back has been feeling more like that of a 59 year old than a 29 year old (Im still gonna blame it on the fact that its only been 8 months since I gave birth, and not on the fact that I could possibly be getting old). So, I've not been moving around as swiftly as I would like.

You still sleeping in my bed right now, and yesterday morning I heard the little sounds you make when you wake up coming from my bedroom. I hobbled by way in to get you, and there you were, in the middle of the bed - just grinning. Your usual morning greeting to me. I began making my way toward you, . . . you let out a little grunt . . . and within the matter of a nanosecond, you had made a leap to the edge of the bed. I had just made it to the bed whenever you decided to just . . . .

just . . . .

Jump Off.

Landing promptly on our hardwood floor.

You let out a scream unlike any I've ever heard from you before. I scooped you into my arms and sat on the bed with you cradled there - apologizing profusely for having let you fall . . . near tears myself. I felt every horror of being a bad parent flood my body.

I was mortified. Immediately I began making vows to you and myself of all the padding and gates and rails and soft spots and never again would we live in a house with hardwood floors and . . and . . . and . . .

anything else I could think of, all the while squeezing you so tight that looking back I wonder if it was the fall or my death grip on you that brought on the tears.

In my sorrow and heartbreak I failed to realize probably ten minutes had passed and you had long stopped crying and were squirming to be released from my grasp. I held you up - face to face - and your confused face smoothed into a huge smile . . . and you very promptly . . .

laughed in my face - then wriggled away from me . . . . off for your discoveries of the day.

Needless to say, I think I was a bit more wounded by the entire scene than you could ever think to be.

(yes, I did stand over you all day yesterday whenever you'd take a nap to make sure there was no sign of concussion or other abnormality in your behavior)

All in all . . . we made it through. (and by "we" . . . I do mean "me".)

I love you Son.

It's Beginning to Look a lot Like . . .

Dear Son,

The season is upon us. This past week you survived your first Thanksgiving. Admittedly, it wasn't too out of the ordinary for you per say - seeing how you're not really big enough for anything that was part of the traditional feast - although I do remember seeing your grandmother sticking numerous things in your mouth when she suspected I wasn't looking. (I'm doing my part to loosen up with all of that.) :)

Speaking of grandmother, she and I decidedly lost our minds and were in the middle of Wal-Mart by 5am the day after Thanksgiving. You'll certainly not care anything about this for many many years, if ever . . . but that is considered the largest shopping day of the year, and any good mom knows - if you want to find the best deal on the best toys - you just gotta get there early. And boy did we ever . . . and we were not the only ones with this bright idea mind you. It was a special type of mayhem I haven't very often seen the likes of. But you were the perfect angel of course . . . sitting right up front of the shopping cart, taking it all in. Specialists would have me believe you aren't developed enough at age 7months to realize what was going on . . . but Im convinced you knew we were shopping for you.

I can't tell you the number of people that had to stop me throughout the day to just get a look at you. As always - I beamed with pride.

You watched with wide eyed wonder this afternoon as I strung white lights all over our yard. You can't really appreciate it all just yet - but rest assured, it is beautiful and very winter wonderland-esque. I'm hoping by the time you are of an age to be excited about it - I'll own an entire fleet of lighted reindeer.


I love you Son . . . thank you for making my first holiday season as a Mom so much fun. . . . and its only just begun!

From Your First Halloween

My very own Little Mickey. You were too adorable Son.

I love you.

Seven

Dear Son,

Yesterday you turned seven months old . . . I wonder how that can be. It's an odd paradox - I feel as though you've been with me my entire life - that I can't remember a day before there was you . . . and yet, I feel as though you were just yesterday born - so tiny in my arms. I remember you lying on my chest, as you still do . . . only then- your body was one little crumple - I could uncoil one of your legs, and it would immidiately curl back into its nestled position. You had no eyebrows nor eyelashes . . . no lines in the bottom of your feet. Your hands, so tiny - the first time I went to clip your fingernails, it was I, not you that cried. The milk from my own body surved as your only life supply, and I relished in that fact.
Now youre this bouncing little guy . . . freely mobile. . . two teeth. You eat fruits and veggies - your body sprawls out over mine whenever you lie on me. Last week you began sitting up on your own, and just days ago, I walked into your nursery to find you standing, on your own, up in your bed. Today you stayed in the nursery at church for the first time instead of staying in with me during service. Each day some new thing to watch you uncover, discover, learn, accomplish. In these seven months, my how you've changed. I marvel at the miracle that is your birth in the first place, added to the fact of how you've changed in such a short time. With all these things, I can't help but wonder how anyone could look at your face and then question the existance of God. I believe in Him by faith little one - but you . . . you are living proof.
Even as I type this, you're not far from me . . . happily in the floor - your toys scattered round you - your voice in its little sing-song has become the soundtrack to my life. . .

and oh how I want to put it on repeat . . . for the rest of my days.

Seven - I've heard there is power in that number. Seven days of creation . . . seven days in a week . . . the seven wonders of the world -

And you my little one, the greatest wonder of all.

I love you.

Now and evermore.

So Much for Toy Story

Dear Son,

I need to know . . . I'm on a mission in fact . . . is it encoded in the male DNA strand? Is it some special chromosome you, and those like you, (males) all possess? Yes - a mission indeed, and I shall not rest until I have some conclusive answers. So what is it you ask? What has mom so very puzzled?

THE REMOTE CONTROL

Son - you are at no loss so far as toys are concerned. In fact, you recieved at just days old, the generous gift of a box containing, (and I quote), Every toy a child will need from ages 0-18months for motor skills, thinking, interaction, communcation, and feeling. (Im that serious.) There are toys in the living room . .. toys in the kitchen . . . toys in your room, toys in my room, there are toys in my car, toys in your grandmothers car, there are toys at your grandfathers, and (yes) . . . toys in the bathroom. You are truly blessed.

And, you like your toys well enough I suppose. But what is it that you yearn for? What is it that you wiggle like a little worm across the floor should it fall to there? What is it that you sometimes demand in your own special way?

But of course . . . the remote control.

I've tested it son. I've placed a row of toys in front of you - with the remote stuck somewhere within them. And you invariably will go for the remote every time. I thought perhaps it was just our remote - maybe because you see me with it. Oh but that theory (hope) was shot right from the water when you started darting for the one at your grandfathers when you stay there . . . and even just last night at your greatgrandparents - you're trying to pull up onto the shelf where theirs is kept.

Seriously . . . Someone's got some 'splainin to do.

____________________________________________


On a lighter, less disturbing note, this weekend Oktoberfest came to town. Your greatgrandmother, grandmother, and I took you. They took me when I was your age - felt strangly and wonderfully full circle to be there with the three of you. You of course are too little to really get it yet, but you were fascinated with all the bright lights and music.

Stars in your eyes baby - jus' like your mama.


I love you.

Mom's Rambles

Dear Son,

Two teeth now . . . eating solid food . . . crawling around everywhere. I'm so happy, so proud - in no way do I wish to hold you back from what is to happen naturally in your life. I look forward to watching you continue to grow, and it excites me to think of all you'll learn. I'd be lying to you though, if I even tried to tell you that it isn't a little alarming. There has been so much going on in the world today . . .these days . . . and who knows what it will be five, ten years from now - as you grow and learn to one day read these letters for yourself. I want you to be strong and unafraid of life - but part of me wants to just keep you as you are - so that at any moment, if and when I need to, I can wrap you in my arms and keep you out of harms way.
This is a subject I will most likely write about many many more times as you grow . . . it is something I will always be aware of. As you grow, my say so of what happens in your life will lessen and lessen. Now, I can say whom you are around, where you go, what you eat, what you see, . . . but in order for you to grow into a strong, confident, independent man, (my dream for you) - I must pull back the reigns as we go along.

Listen to me . . . you're only six months old. :)
I can't help in though Son . . . all of this is just that important to me.

I'll cease with the ramblings now . . . (for now.)

I love you.

Sunday Star

Dear Son,

It appears that you have chosen Sunday's to be your day to shine. Last Sunday evening while completing an assignment for school, I heard your grandmother call out for me. I rushed into the room where the two of you were, and thats when I saw it. You, up on all fours, inching along like a little worm!! I nearly killed myself rushing for the camcorder. I could not believe my eyes - my little man, crawling! Ok, ok . . . so maybe not crawling in the very traditional sense, but you were moving along none the less. So now, you are mobile . . . . one second I'll have my eye on you in the middle of your blanket in the floor, the next . . . you're off and up under the coffee table, or over toward the television. I can see now that perhaps those extra pounds may come off easier than I had expected chasing you around as I now am!

Then yesterday, (the following Sunday) . . . . while we were at church . . . I discovered something else you've gone and done: a tooth!!! Right there in your little mouth, just breaking the skin. I'm pretty blown away by this, considering you've shown none of the classic teething signs that the world had been preparing me for, with the exception perhaps of some serious drool.

It makes my heart smile Son, and break a little at the same time. Just days shy of six months old, and youre growing up so very fast.

Peek-A-Boo

Beautiful Boy

New Toy!!

Dear Son,

Last weekend your grandmother bought you an exersaucer . . . from the looks of things, youre thoroughly enjoying it.

love you

So Proud

Dear Son,

Today my heart swelled yet again, when I had been previously so sure it could grow no more. Today I held you, in front of your grandma Peggy, your grandpa Danny, your grandma Toni, your uncle Lance and Uncle Chris, your aunt Mimi, your cousins Vivien, Makala, and Caleb, as well as the entire congregation of our church, as your were babtized. I held your in my arms as the pastor read me the vows I was to take as a promise of your upbringing, then as he read vows to the congregation and they took vows to support your growth physically as well as spiritually . . . .
You stayed focused on him as he spoke to us . . . never making a sound - a perfect little gentleman in your white suit. You didn't even bother to make a fuss as the water was poured over your head - you seemed to understand.

When I one day look back over my life . . . at all the days I will have experience, I know that this day will be set aside with a select few - of my best days.

I love you

Another First

Dear Son,

Today you sat in the front of a shopping cart for the first time while we were grocery shopping!!! Yeah yeah, doesn't seem like such a big deal, right? Well, it was and IS a big deal to your mom!! You still can't manage holding yourself upright too well, but they had a little seatbelt there for you. I couldn't believe it - walking up and down those isles with the cart . . . and you right there staring into my face. You didn't make it through the entire trip in there - but thats ok - I didn't mind at all taking you into my arms.

I love you

The Sweetest Thing I've Ever Known

My Boundless Joy

Dear Son,

It was last week that you reached out for me for the first time . . . September 5th, one day after you turned five months old. We were at your Grandpa's house - and I was telling both of them how I thought you'd be reaching out for me for the first time soon . . . . your Grandma Toni was holding you, and I just reached out my hands to you and told her to watch - what you did next will be burned into my memory forever now: You bounced up and down like you'd never beens so happy, and outstretched your hands to me. I wanted to melt into the floor - this . . . this . . . warmth just flooded my entire body as I took you into my arms and heard you make an exclamation of satisfaction and happiness. It was a great moment Son.
Several days later, I'd taken you to your greatgrandmothers for her 72nd birthday . . . . (I find it odd even as I type this that she will probably never in her lifetime sit in front of a computer to read these words). You were sitting in your Grandma's lap and as I walked by, I saw you from the corner of my eye - just leap up and reach out for me. And thats when I knew for sure . . . that recognition, . . . . I knew in that instant that first time handn't been a fluke.

You know I'm your mom.

And you're happy because of it.

Go Tigers!

Dear Son,

Today was your first football game. Well, you didn't actually go into the game itself, but today the season opened for the Clemson Tigers - and since from there mom will be receiving her degree, today was the first of many tiger games you'll be included in.
You were just adorable in your Clemson overalls. Your grandmother and I had been telling you all morning, "you're a tiger" - and then roaring at you. To mine and her (and everyone around us) surprise - in the middle of Big Lots you burst into a roar of your own!!! That was at around 3pm. It's now nearly 10pm - and you've only just now stopped roaring. Seemed you like the way your voice sounded when you did it. . . . and of course - I found it to be the newest most remarkable thing you've ever done.

I love you

Wait a Minute

Dear Son,

I came to the conclusion that you're growing WAY to fast. And by way to fast I mean "I cannot believe how grown you already act."

So seriously, knock it off. . . slow down . . . take it easy.

Mom

P.S. Im SO not kidding

Week One

Dear Son,

We made it. Week one of my being back at school - and consequently spending part of my time seperate from you, has come to a close - but there are more weeks to come. Welcome little man, to the rest of our lives. You spent your first night away from home at your grandparents - yes, I stayed there with you, but still it was your first night away from home. Truth be told, I'm not entirely sure you're old enough yet to notice when I'm gone . . . but rest assured, I notice. It seems when I arrive at your grandparents to pick you up in the afternoon, you've surely grown a bit, and have learned some new sound, or to reach for something you weren't previously, or you've just . . . . changed. I knew I would notice, but just how affected I would be by those hours apart from you - I had no idea.

And you just smile.

Week one certainly didn't go off without a hitch . . . but I've decided to just sweep those minor difficulties under the rug. By the time you'll be reading these letters, the obstacles now in my path will be only a speck on the time-line that is my life as your mother . . . and also a woman, daughter, sister, aunt, friend, role-model, or class-mate. In life we wear many hats son - mine as your mother is the most important - but I've obligations to many, and I make the choice each day not to let the little things, or the big ones for that matter, get me down. There have been times in my life that I didn't have the presence of mind to see things from that perspective . . . but growth and maturity have led me to this place. I constantly remind myself that it is all part of a greater plan that I may or may not yet be aware of. I hope to instill in you these values.

The Beginning

Dear Son,

It was one year ago . . . almost down to the hour I am writing these words, that I found out I was carrying you. In my honesty with you, I will tell you that it was the happiest, and most terrifying moment of my life thus far. Amidst my fear and trepidation . . . there was overwhelming and enormous joy. From my lips to Gods ears was a quiet thank-you. Tears, streaming from my face as doctors and nurses scrambled and whispered.

You see, minutes after my doctor told me the news, I was being whisked away to a dimly lit room for an ultrasound. My little one, there was fear and immediate speculation that you may not make it - my body was responding in an odd way to you being in there . . . but within seconds of lying on that tiny, cold hospital bed - my ears were filled with the sound of your heartbeat. I swear . . . and this I know - it was the equivalent of a million angels singing.
As you grow and mature, you'll hear people use the phrase a moment of clarity. We'll talk another day about exactly what that means, but I can tell you - that moment was mine . . my life had changed, my soul had changed. . . and in that - that instant - I loved you, and knew that my days from there to eternity would be for you. I was afraid somewhere deep inside - but moreover - I was soaring somewhere above the bed I was lying on. I will never forget the words the nurse said upon seeing you on the monitor . . . thats a brave little critter you have in there, his will to be here is strong. And my will to make sure you made it safely here was even stronger - whatever the cost, no matter the sacrifice.

You see Son, you coming to me . . . me who wasn't sure she could even carry a baby . . .the complications surrounding everything that I touched back then . . . the timing of your arrival in my life . . . you and I together - it was no accident. It was indeed, divine. You Son, are divine. Not only did I give you life - and fight to make sure you were able to be here to live it - you gave me back mine. All the failed attempts at sobriety - do away with the cigarettes - so many times I had tried Son. Sure, I functioned well enough . . . but little did I know [actually, I think I did know, just couldn't admit it to myself] - that everyone around me could see . . . I was killing myself daily - and it wasn't a slow process. I had lost my handle. The woman you know as mother - was a different woman then. In fact, the person I am today didn't yet exist. You gave her life. You created her. One day, you will understand all these things - one day - there will be much more explanation, for I have nothing here to hide from you, my prayer, that you learn from my mistakes.

You Son, gave me strength.

It's been one year since I walked out of that doctors office for the first time with the knowledge that there was you . . . never have I taken another drink - never have I even attempted to put a cigarette to my lips.

My joy you are - and the day I look in your eyes and see pride - my purpose then fulfilled.

I love you.

no words, only pics today

I want you to know

Dear Son,

Tonight, as I prepare to lie next to you and watch you sleep, on the end of this day after you turned four months old . . . this day that you sat in your high chair for the first time . . . this day that you laughed and smiled and talked to me with your eyes . . . even though you perhaps didn't feel so good because of the immunization shots you had yesterday . . . . this day that I loved you more than yesterday -

I want you to know this, and know it forever:

Nothing you become will disappoint me;
I have no preconception that I'd like to see you be or do.
I have no desire to foresee you,
only to discover you.

You cannot disappoint me.

Tuck those words into your heart Son . . . bury them, within your soul - and if ever you need reminding of them, they will never be far from the edge of my lips.

With all that I have and all I hope to one day be,

I love you.

Changes Ahead

Dear Son,

I can't believe tomorrow is the first day of August . . . this means new things for us ahead. I will be going back to school to finish the degree that is going to secure your future - meaning our first real time apart. Of course, it will only be a few days a week, and you'll be safe in the care of your grandpa while I'm away - but still . . . it pains my heart a little. I'm so used to being by your side every moment of every day, and having these first few months of your life with my only responsibility to be with you - has been the greatest joy of my life. No deadlines, no bosses, no professors . . . . nothing to do on any given day but sit with you in my arms, lay with you, play with you, let you get to know me - each memory safely secured in my memory.

Life is not always perfect Son, but we are both so blessed to have a family that supports us . . . supports me in wanting to have this time with you - and reaching out to help while I finish up with school - we are absolutely blessed beyond measure. I consider it my duty to make sure you always know that . . . that you are blessed, that you are loved beyond your own comprehension, and that I will go to whatever lengths necessary to make sure your needs are met. You will learn from me Son, about those less fortunate than us - and learn to be thankful for all you have, even if there comes a time when it isn't all you want. But your needs darling - your needs you'll never have to worry about.

And so continues the carving out of our lives dear child. I promise it will be rich with color, vibrant with wisdom, alive with emotion and solidified with love.

Love,

Mom

Goodnight

Goodnight, my loved one. Go to sleep.
Open up your book of dreams.
Outside your soul, the world that seems
Descends to darkness, vast and deep.

Dear Son,

You are the most beautiful child . . . . so pure and full of life.
I love you

So Much

Dear Son,

Your grandmother says you've got that "I didn't do it" look on your face - not unlike the one I used to give her . . . almost like I've caught you doing something you shouldn't be doing - of course, you're too young to realize any of that - and it's probably just the startle of the camera flash thats got you - either way - it's perfection.

I am full of love for you today . . . so very full. And truthfully, it is every day - but somehow - it's more each morning I open my eyes. You've taken my world by storm and now every day is Christmas - I cant wait just to open my eyes to see you. I do wonder at times if my heart may at any moment burst, from the pressure of loving someone more than ever believed possible. Such wisdom in your eyes, calm in your smile, reasurrance in the way your wrap your fingers round mine . . . . you color my world. YOU make it alright.

I love you so - and vow to love even more tomorrow. God was good to me when he sent you - I will spend my days thanking Him for this gift.

just a little something

Dear Son,

It's been a week since my last letter, and for that I feel slack, and I apologize. . . . and even as I ready myself to pour out my heart tonight . . . I hear you waking - I just got you into bed. Seems you have something on your mind other than sleep at the moment . . .

Off I venture to see what it could be.

Another letter, another night.

Sweet child of mine.

How'd That Happen?

Dear Son,

I measured you this morning . . . 24 1/4 inches. Huh?

When you first came from me - you were exactly 19 1/2 in long. I shall spend the rest of my today trying to figure how you've grown nearly 5 inches while being cradled every day in my arms.

You grow - my heart grows with you.

I love you

I carry your heart with me

I carry it in my heart

I am never without it

anywhere I go, you go my dear;

and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling

I fear... No fate

for you are my fate, my sweet

I want no world

for beautiful you are my world, my true

And it's you are whatever a moon has always meant

And whatever a sun will always sing is you

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows:

here is the root of the root

and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of the tree called life;

which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart:

I carry your heart

(I carry it in my heart)

e.e.cummings

Dear Son,

I have long loved the above poem. I'd read it for a time, and time would pass - months, sometimes years - before I found it . . . remembered it again. And always I'd think, how I'd hope to love like that one day . . . to feel that strength of love for another.

Little did I know, when that poem found me again . . . that I would know love like that . . . could know love like that . . . and little did I know, it would be given - to this little life I now have - my tiny Luca -

I carry your heart . . . I carry your heart in my heart.

Little Man

Dear Son,

Someone asked me the other day, "Why do you call him that?" Before even thinking about it, I heard myself responding with a smile, "Because that's his name."

Never really thought about it before then - just seemed natural within hours of your birth . . . you are my little man . . . simple as that. But since the question arose, it has had me thinking. . . .
about me, about responsibility. I am indeed responsible for making sure you become just that - well, not a "little man", but indeed a man. I'm faced with the insurmountable honor and privledge of making sure you know exactly what it means to be a man . . . which is a bit ironic - my being a woman and all. So thats where the real thinking has came in. When it dawned on me: who better to know what a man is and does, than a woman? Not just a female person, but a true woman . . . a lady.

So not only is there responsibility for teaching and showing you what a man is - but there is the responsibility (which I certainly do NOT take lightly) - of showing you just what a lady is . . . I know its all far into the future - but one day you will search for a lady of your own - it is my prayer to set a grounded and realistic example of what that should look like. And following those thoughts are the realizations that tomorrow isn't promised . . . the future is uncertain - I could be here for many years, or be gone tomorrow - so with these letters, I hope to send pieces of me into the future - whether Im there to share your reading them or not - so long as they get to you, I'll know I've made some sort of impression . . . I hope when the time comes, you'll surmise the impression to be a large one, a positive one, and a helpful one.

Even as I watched you sleep last night, thoughts of things I already wanted to share with you flooded my head. So many things . . . . things that because I'm the one whom experienced them, I can be the only one to tell you, teach you, and show you them. You and I being brought together - you being born unto me - was no accident . . . it was all part of a divine plan. This I know.

Son, there will be times when certain people, places, and even things will distract you and can ultimately blind you to what's really in front of you . . . Im speaking to you from experience dear child. One minute your eye can be on the prize - but with out discipline and will - you can get blindsided to what is right in front of you . . . And what IS in front of you?

YOU ARE

You wont even know yourself yet. You'll think that you do, you'll assert that you do, you'll believe that because youre of a certain age you do . . . and God willing, I'll be there to remind you that you dont. What will be, and what already is in front of you, is an entire world full of experiences beyond your imagination and most vivid dreams.

Put yourself, your growth, and your developement, first.

Praise God I had the wherewithal to do just that for myself Son . . . and now its not only my turn to do it for you, but also my time to show you just how to do it for yourself - a joy for me the most beautiful songbird couldn't sing loud enough about.
What I already know is that there are long term repercussions to decisions I make now. Everything I do, every thought I have, every word I say and move I make creates a memory that you will hold in your body. It's imprinted on you and affects you even now - in subtle ways, ways you are not even yet aware of. . . it all will shape the man you grow to be.

With that in mind Son, Mom promises to always be very conscious and selective with the decisions she makes today - to ensure you have a wonderful tomorrow.

Your life little man -

Beautiful

"whatchu talkin' 'bout Willis?"

Another Milestone

Dear Son,

This week brought three events worthy of celebration. You turned 3 months old, the 4th of July - (both of which arrived on the same day), and you rolling over all by yourself.

(Yeah yeah, I know to some reading this, the whole rolling over thing may not seem like such a big deal, but if you'd spent the hours I have watching this little man make it to one side after so much struggle, only to fall right back onto his back - then you could better relate to my excitement. )

Everyday, every movement, every sound . . . is a milestone - and important beyond words to me. It seems only days ago I was writing about you turning two months old . . . and the days just keep passing us by. You're more and more aware of your surroundings - people you see regularly are becoming familiar to you, and I can see recognition on your face when you see them.

You amaze me Son - you forever will.

Say "Cheeeeese"

Now that is one happy baby

Portraits: Take Two

Dear Son,

Today I decided for us to try having your portraits made once again . . .Lucky you, a female photographer, whom you seemed much more pleased with than with the man we saw the first go round. Everyone in the place, including Ms. Photographer, agreed they'd never seen anything or anyone more beautiful. You were in the most pleasant mood, and seemed to take right to her, ya big flirt. Given the money to, I would have bought dozens of every pose . . . one day Son . . . one day Mommy will buy so very many - but we are blessed for now - your grandma is good to us and we do just fine. In any event, your smile radiated the studio, and I could not have been more proud had there been two of me.

I know I'm a bit biased perhaps, afterall, he is mine, but surely whomever else may read this will agree - that is one good looking little man I've got.



Thank you for your smile . . . for your laughter . . . for being the wonderful you that you are.

I love you

Another Lullaby

Seen a light divine

Seen water turn to wine

Seen healing hands and walking on the water

I've knelt in churches

But that was all just fruitless searches

For something to believe in

And I thought I'd seen it all

But I never saw a miracle
'Til baby I found you
I prayed I'd find my heaven
Then all my prayers came true
No, I never saw a miracle
I was blind but now I see
The miracle is the love you give to me

Seen a flower bloom
And a man walk on the moon
But I never seemed to find sweet inspiration
Seen the stars fall from the sky
And heard a newborn baby cry
And felt the warmth of human kindness
'Til the tears came to my eyes

I've never been a winner
And God knows I'm a sinner
But I found my salvation in you
Oh, I was lost until you found me
Put your loving all around me
Gave me back my faith
And my strength to carry on
And now, baby, I believe.

Dreams

Little sleeper,
curled in the shape of a half heart.

Nine months I carried you.
You slept, I dreamt.

We shaped each other.

Now, you carry me as a part
Of the you, you have become.

Little sleeper.
Done with the day.
Gone to magnificent dreams
Of who you will be.

Little sleeper.
Precious to me.

Another First

Dear Son,

This past Sunday was your first time going to church . . . and you behaved like many men I've seen within the walls of the sacred place . . . lively throughout the music portion of the service - sleeping peacefully during the sermon. I couldn't have been more proud though . . . and it was good to be in that place with you - the place, where among many other places, I'd prayed so feverishly for your safe arrival - I felt so blessed standing in that holy place with you in my arms - blessed to be able to thank Him properly for you. I am so undeserving of a gift as perfect, magical, and all loving as you, - yet somehow, here we are together.

I suspect I shall spend the rest of my days giving thanks for you . . . and that won't even be a raindrop in the bucket in comparison to just how grateful I truly am for you.

I love you Son. Now and forever.

Maybe Next Time

Dear Son,

Today you cemented for me, as if there were ever any doubt, the fact that this is indeed your world, and everyone else is just visiting.

You awoke your usual mellow self. We lay in bed and talked awhile (about the "big stuff" . . . what you were gonna wear, if you were interested in being in your swing, if we should wash your hair today . . . etc.) - then I reminded you that today you would be having your picture made. You seemed unphased, - and replied with a larger than life grin.
The morning passed us by quickly, and before I knew it I was getting us both ready to head out the door to the portrait studio. I'd bought you the most adorable little navy blue suit . . . the most handsome little man I'd ever laid eyes on. You were in an exceptionally good mood, even more-so than usual. You didn't even offer to frown once when I first snapped you into your carseat, a task that sometimes you find unpleasant. All in all, you hadn't been upset about anything the entire day.

We arrive to have your picture made. . . . I put you in your stroller, and you were taking in all the sights and sounds of the parking lot. I felt confident that this should go off without a hitch, and we'd be out of there in no time - beautiful pictures of my baby boy ordered and all.

Well, at least thats how I thought it would be.

It's as if some other personality took you over the minute we stepped inside.
At first, it was just a little frown.
So I took you out of the stroller . . . "oh, Im sure he'll be fine in just a minute"

Your grandmother held you as I filled out the paper work, you seemed to be ok.

But as soon as you were put on the platform to have your picture made -

You decided that was just of no interest to you.
You tried to be polite to the poor photographer at first, as he stood there, making the most rediculous noises I'd ever heard come from a grown man's mouth.

I could see it in your face though . . . you wouldn't even look at him - kept your gaze in my direction, as if to say "mom, this guy cant be serious." Oh, but he was.
Before I knew it, I found myself standing there like a fool talking to you in that rediculous tone . . .heaven help us.

Then the lip rolled out.

Then came the tears.

So hey, we'll wait to have your picture made . . . perhaps next week or something.

We've got all the time in the world baby boy.
All the time in the world.

Thank You

Dear Son,

On this sunny Friday morning, my heart swells as I realize something monumental . . . that is this: I need to thank you. My previous letter was about some things I may teach you - things you may learn from me. To my surprise, I realize today just how much you are already teaching me.

You are so happy . . . so happy just to "be". Just to wake up every day. Each morning, I awaken to the sound of your laughter . . . well, some mornings, it's just your smile - but either way, your happiness is undeniable. You don't bother to cry in order to wake me, you seem content just to lie there and "coo" - with only your hands to entertain you - and entertain you they must, because your smile is bigger than any I've seen, lighting the room way before the sun ever peeks out of bed. You can't communicate to me yet your wants, needs, thoughts . . . and yet, somehow - with that simple, mostbeautifulthingiveseen smile of yours . . . you do. You tell me goodmorning, you tell me you slept well, you thank me for feeding you, and keeping you dry. Even now, as I changed you, then lept from bed to key these thoughts to this unsuspecting keyboard - you lie in bed . . . laughing and talking to yourself . . . as if to tell me, "go ahead mom - I know you have something you need to take care of." I wonder if you also know, its all for you.

When that face of yours lights up to the sound of my voice each day . . . when you give me recognition letting me know you've realized I'm awake . . . well, it warms the farthest, coldest parts of my soul . . .

For that son, I thank you.

Roots and Wings

Dear Son,

In the weeks you've been with me - again and again it occurs to me how much you'll learn from me - even when I'm not knowingly teaching you. It's a natual thing, you'll just pick up habits, beliefs, fears and hopes as we go along. I shall do my best always to steer you in the right direction, but in the end, my true desire is for you to make your own way. To thine own self be true little man. This is not to say I won't have opinions, or that I won't be there whatever the decision at hand may be - but my joy will be in the fact that one day you won't need my opinions, my direction, my nod of approval . . . I pray to one day rest in the fact that I will have armed you with all you need to be the best YOU that you can be. I read something that stuck with me son . . . something I hope to impress upon your heart - a thought for you to carry close to you and remember - something to help you stay centered. That thought is this:

"to be yourself-
in a world which is doing its best
night and day
to make you everybody else-
means to fight the hardest battle
which any human being can fight
and never stop fighting."
-ee cummings

That is a lot to take in - but one day you will understand. Be yourself son - be who you are, stand up for what you believe, and do what you love. Don't let anyone else make those decisions for you. If you know it in your heart - if it is your truth - then you stand up and own it, and never be ashamed about doing so. It won't always be easy love - but I love you too much to paint a world for you only meant to be seen through rose colored lenses.

It is my prayer son, that one day you understand that the best things in life . . . well, they aren't things at all. For me, the best is God, you, family, love, laughter, teaching, learning, and acceptance. I will show to you these every day, but I will always give you room to find out what the best in life is for you - and at the end of the day, if your list doesn't match mine - I will rejoice in the fact that you've learned your own way.

On Singing To You

The first time ever I saw your face
I thought the sun rose in your eyes
And the moon and stars were the gifts you gave
To the dark and the empty skies, my love,
To the dark and the empty skies.

The first time ever I kissed your mouth
And felt your heart beat close to mine
Like the trembling heart of a captive bird
That was there at my command, my love
That was there at my command.

And the first time ever I lay with you
I felt your heart so close to mine
And I knew our joy would fill the earth
And last till the end of time my love
It would last till the end of time my love

The first time ever I saw your face
your face
your face

Dear Son,
This beautiful song by Roberta Flack I often sing to you . . . you look at me, as if to understand.

In Deep Thought

Just another day in paradise

Ten Weeks

I Don't Love You Much Do I?
Just More than All the Stars in The Sky.

Dear Son,

Tomorrow you will be ten weeks old. Please tell me, where has the time already gone? You now very much have your own personality, quite mellow and laid back, but very capable of expressing your likes and dislikes. I couldn't count the times I've looked into your face, wondering all the while just what I was doing with life before you came along. I have so much meaning and purpose now - don't fret little one, I had purpose before you . . . mommy is strong - but you enrich and make whole that purpose - you strengthen it every day. You are nothing short of a miracle, and I sit - hopelessly in awe of your every breath.

Heart Strings

Dear Son,

This is the very first picture taken of you with your Uncle Lance. I cried the first time I saw it. It was an amazing, and not altogether expected flood of emotions . . . seeing my very best friend, the one who's been there with me through it all, the one who knows so many of my secrets - secrets I told only to one other, and that person is you, while you still lived inside, the person whom for so long I'd loved more than any other, now holding the person I will forever love more than any other . . . . it was a beautiful thing to behold. How much, I love you both.

Original Date: May 15, 2006 - My First Mothers Day

Spring breezes filtered through the screen door early yesterday morning. In my T-shirt and sweatpants, I breathed in the fragrant air, wondering how this Sunday -- Mother's Day -- would be different from the many other Sundays that had come and gone over the past 10 or so years. In my arms, I held a tiny creature that was only a month old. My little Luca . . . full of marvel. In those quiet moments of looking into his eyes - I remembered all of the Mothers days that had passed in my adult life. How honoring my mother has always been a daily joy for me and Mothers Day was never an exception . . . . but in the years I had been led to believe I would never be one of the celebrated - Mothers Day had become difficult. I never felt sorry for myself, but there were moments of vast emptiness, that sometimes enveloped me on that day. My mother has always been the most important person in my life - and the years I spent believing I'd not be able to carry on the spectacular legacy she'd made of being a mother, were at times difficult to deal with, especially on this day. I'd dreamed of being half the mother to a child that she had been to me - it seemed unfair not to be able to pass on all the unconditional love, support, faith, understanding, wisdom and laughter that she has laced my life with. Now, defying the odds - there he and I stood, my beautiful boy and me. In that second, it became clear . . . . no matter the circumstance surrounding him, I would have loved him beyond what words could express - but living those years thinking he would never come to me, can only now multiply my love for him ten thousand lifetimes over. He, in and of himself, was the reason this year I joined the ranks of the celebrated . . . he is my Mothers Day gift. Yesterday, today, and everyday until forever.

Original Date: May 4, 2006

Dear Son, Today marks one month. For one month, I have awakened to the sound of your breath, the smell of your skin. ... and in that month, you have completely changed, rearranged, and made beautiful my world. So much wisdom right there in your eyes for me to soak up - Ive found myself wondering is it I that soothes you, or perhaps . . . is it the other way around? Four short weeks, and already you have given more gifts than ever I could have imagined. Oh, I knew I would love you - but just how deliriously in love with you I could become, would become - my head still is unable to wrap around - and again, in only four weeks. I never thought about how I would look into teary eyes and cry myself. . . .Didnt know I could become gloriously happy over a simple grin. Before you, I had no idea how many late hours at night I could spend watching you sleep. How is it that something, . . . someone so small can make me feel so big - so important? How many times have I held you while you slept - not because you needed me to - but because I needed to. I would willingly give my life for yours, and die again a thousand deaths to save you from any harm this life threatens to bring - for I never lived before there was you anyway . . . I thought I was living, but there simply was no life before you. However did I make it all those years before you chose me? And now, I cant even remember hardly a second of that time - nor do I want to. It seems that now, there is only you, and was nothing before you. Thank you dear child, for the blessing of your love. I will never deserve it, but will selfishly take it forever, and give back to you every once I have in me, until I draw my last breath. One day Son, one day you will ask "how much" . . . . and my simple reply again and again will be - "so much Son . . .so very much."

The Day I Met You

Dear Son,

I remember the ride to the hospital that day, April 4, 2006 . . . We left around 6am. The entire way there, all I could think was that there would be another person in the car with us on the ride home . . . where this little person had yet to exist out in the world, he would now be. Totally, utterly, all encompassing was that thought - and I . . . overjoyed. Not scared or nervous, but filled to the very brim with joy. So many months I'd prayed, and wondered, and hoped and wished . . . and finally, you were going to join me - our lives to be entertwined, my heart - leaving my body, growing arms and legs, and existing outside my body. I just wanted to kiss you again and again . . . touch your fingers, see your nose.
When they laid you on me for the first time - while you were still attached to me . . . my world stopped - and when it began again, I had changed . . . I knew in that instant, that nothing mattered more than you, that there could never be a greater love. I vowed in that moment to go to the ends of the earth for you if need be.

There must have been an angel by my side
Something heavenly led me to you
Look at the sky
It's the color of love
There must have been an angel by my side
Something heavenly came down from above
He led me to you
He built a bridge to your heart
All the way
How many tons of love inside
I can't say

When I was led to you
I knew you were the one for me
I swear the whole world could feel my heartbeat
When I lay eyes on you
You wrapped me up in
The color of love

You gave me the kiss of life
Kiss of Life
You gave me the kiss that's like
The kiss of life

Wasn't it clear from the start
Look the sky is full of love
Yeah the sky is full of love
He built a bridge to your heart
All the way
How many tons of love inside
I can't say

Original Date: April 7

For my son - who came into the world only 62 hours ago, and has colored my life and filled my soul in ways I'd only dreamt of before.
My heart shall never be the same . . . beautiful child - miracle you are.

Everyday, Everyday with you
Every little thing you do the way you do
Little darlin' in your eyes
Got me all up and away
You get me high

I saw you there since then everyday
It's like I'm lost and thinking of you in everyway
Since I fell into your eyes
All I know is that you get me high
You get me high

Up and away
You take me baby
Ohh you take me baby

And then you walk the way you walk
You blow my mind to know the way you walk in my way
Then I fall into your eyes
Up up and away the way your eyes
Ohh baby
The way you make me high

Before you came you know I didn't care
It's just a game I play
All up and away,
All up and away
You take me baby

All for you I give it all
Cause when I'm thinking of you
When I'm flying above the world
How I wish I was drowning in you
I must admit that I'm oh so in love you know
Please don't ever let me go
You've done nothing to me but up up and away you go
All up and away
Ah you take me baby
DMB

Original Date: March 31

Dear
Son

On
the
path
to
the
dream

you will uncover many treasures

and
encounter
stubborn
obstacles


which may spring up when you least expect

so
when
you
trip
on
roots
and
rocks

and rub the skin raw off your shin

do
remember,
while
you're
sitting

(perhaps feeling
sorry for
your self)

to touch
the cool
green fuzz of moss

and see the dazzling sun dancing

and hear
the
glorious
song of
birds,
as they call to one another

and when you've rested you'll continue,

with love
and
beauty

while
wisdom
waits

with patient trust

in
your
arrival

Original Date: March 29

Dear Son,

It is 3:30 am, and again I am up waiting for your arrival. With every passing day, you make more aware your presence inside me. You are close now - have settled down, found your position - don't move near as much . . . but I feel you - your spirit living in me, as strong as my own. I pace the floors at this time each night, a bit against doctors orders - but you . . . you spring me to my feet, up and down the hall - into the room I have took pains to make so very perfect for you . . . touching your clothes, sitting in the rocker where you will soon nurse, running my little swollen fingers the length of your crib . . . then to the refrigerator for ice cold milk (something I destested before you my dear, what an influence already you have).

You and I . . . we've come so far these nine months. How I've grown, changed . . . how you've grown, changed.

I never thought I would have you. Lost hope for a time - heard their words as I sat in cold rooms wearing stiff gowns - as one after another they examined me, and searched for the right words to explain . . . "cancer" . . . "so young" . . . "scar tissue" . . . "dont worry - there are always alternatives" . . . "we hate to rule out completely your chances of concieving naturally . . . but . . ."

I didn't want "alternatives". I wanted to carry you - take all the pain and the glory - the satisfaction of giving you life. And you must have known - for to everyones surprise and amazement, most of all mine, you've chosen me.

How I longed for you, prayed for you . . . cried out in my darkest hours and wondered why not. . .

You heard me. Knew I needed you.

I thought I knew everything before you - I knew nothing. And am certain once I see your face - I will truly realize I knew even less than that.

Backtracking

I welcomed the love of my life, Luca, into the world April 4, 2006, and have meant to get this space set up for him since. Tonight, at the suggestion of my dear friend Meg, I am finally getting around to it. (Imagine that . . . I've been a little busy.) I'd written some things to him, for him, and about him during my pregnancy, and in the time since he's been with me - and I think I will add them here for starters. Then pick up right where we're at today.

Enjoy our journey - thank you for sharing this with us!