Changes Ahead

Dear Son,

I can't believe tomorrow is the first day of August . . . this means new things for us ahead. I will be going back to school to finish the degree that is going to secure your future - meaning our first real time apart. Of course, it will only be a few days a week, and you'll be safe in the care of your grandpa while I'm away - but still . . . it pains my heart a little. I'm so used to being by your side every moment of every day, and having these first few months of your life with my only responsibility to be with you - has been the greatest joy of my life. No deadlines, no bosses, no professors . . . . nothing to do on any given day but sit with you in my arms, lay with you, play with you, let you get to know me - each memory safely secured in my memory.

Life is not always perfect Son, but we are both so blessed to have a family that supports us . . . supports me in wanting to have this time with you - and reaching out to help while I finish up with school - we are absolutely blessed beyond measure. I consider it my duty to make sure you always know that . . . that you are blessed, that you are loved beyond your own comprehension, and that I will go to whatever lengths necessary to make sure your needs are met. You will learn from me Son, about those less fortunate than us - and learn to be thankful for all you have, even if there comes a time when it isn't all you want. But your needs darling - your needs you'll never have to worry about.

And so continues the carving out of our lives dear child. I promise it will be rich with color, vibrant with wisdom, alive with emotion and solidified with love.

Love,

Mom

Goodnight

Goodnight, my loved one. Go to sleep.
Open up your book of dreams.
Outside your soul, the world that seems
Descends to darkness, vast and deep.

Dear Son,

You are the most beautiful child . . . . so pure and full of life.
I love you

So Much

Dear Son,

Your grandmother says you've got that "I didn't do it" look on your face - not unlike the one I used to give her . . . almost like I've caught you doing something you shouldn't be doing - of course, you're too young to realize any of that - and it's probably just the startle of the camera flash thats got you - either way - it's perfection.

I am full of love for you today . . . so very full. And truthfully, it is every day - but somehow - it's more each morning I open my eyes. You've taken my world by storm and now every day is Christmas - I cant wait just to open my eyes to see you. I do wonder at times if my heart may at any moment burst, from the pressure of loving someone more than ever believed possible. Such wisdom in your eyes, calm in your smile, reasurrance in the way your wrap your fingers round mine . . . . you color my world. YOU make it alright.

I love you so - and vow to love even more tomorrow. God was good to me when he sent you - I will spend my days thanking Him for this gift.

just a little something

Dear Son,

It's been a week since my last letter, and for that I feel slack, and I apologize. . . . and even as I ready myself to pour out my heart tonight . . . I hear you waking - I just got you into bed. Seems you have something on your mind other than sleep at the moment . . .

Off I venture to see what it could be.

Another letter, another night.

Sweet child of mine.

How'd That Happen?

Dear Son,

I measured you this morning . . . 24 1/4 inches. Huh?

When you first came from me - you were exactly 19 1/2 in long. I shall spend the rest of my today trying to figure how you've grown nearly 5 inches while being cradled every day in my arms.

You grow - my heart grows with you.

I love you

I carry your heart with me

I carry it in my heart

I am never without it

anywhere I go, you go my dear;

and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling

I fear... No fate

for you are my fate, my sweet

I want no world

for beautiful you are my world, my true

And it's you are whatever a moon has always meant

And whatever a sun will always sing is you

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows:

here is the root of the root

and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of the tree called life;

which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart:

I carry your heart

(I carry it in my heart)

e.e.cummings

Dear Son,

I have long loved the above poem. I'd read it for a time, and time would pass - months, sometimes years - before I found it . . . remembered it again. And always I'd think, how I'd hope to love like that one day . . . to feel that strength of love for another.

Little did I know, when that poem found me again . . . that I would know love like that . . . could know love like that . . . and little did I know, it would be given - to this little life I now have - my tiny Luca -

I carry your heart . . . I carry your heart in my heart.

Little Man

Dear Son,

Someone asked me the other day, "Why do you call him that?" Before even thinking about it, I heard myself responding with a smile, "Because that's his name."

Never really thought about it before then - just seemed natural within hours of your birth . . . you are my little man . . . simple as that. But since the question arose, it has had me thinking. . . .
about me, about responsibility. I am indeed responsible for making sure you become just that - well, not a "little man", but indeed a man. I'm faced with the insurmountable honor and privledge of making sure you know exactly what it means to be a man . . . which is a bit ironic - my being a woman and all. So thats where the real thinking has came in. When it dawned on me: who better to know what a man is and does, than a woman? Not just a female person, but a true woman . . . a lady.

So not only is there responsibility for teaching and showing you what a man is - but there is the responsibility (which I certainly do NOT take lightly) - of showing you just what a lady is . . . I know its all far into the future - but one day you will search for a lady of your own - it is my prayer to set a grounded and realistic example of what that should look like. And following those thoughts are the realizations that tomorrow isn't promised . . . the future is uncertain - I could be here for many years, or be gone tomorrow - so with these letters, I hope to send pieces of me into the future - whether Im there to share your reading them or not - so long as they get to you, I'll know I've made some sort of impression . . . I hope when the time comes, you'll surmise the impression to be a large one, a positive one, and a helpful one.

Even as I watched you sleep last night, thoughts of things I already wanted to share with you flooded my head. So many things . . . . things that because I'm the one whom experienced them, I can be the only one to tell you, teach you, and show you them. You and I being brought together - you being born unto me - was no accident . . . it was all part of a divine plan. This I know.

Son, there will be times when certain people, places, and even things will distract you and can ultimately blind you to what's really in front of you . . . Im speaking to you from experience dear child. One minute your eye can be on the prize - but with out discipline and will - you can get blindsided to what is right in front of you . . . And what IS in front of you?

YOU ARE

You wont even know yourself yet. You'll think that you do, you'll assert that you do, you'll believe that because youre of a certain age you do . . . and God willing, I'll be there to remind you that you dont. What will be, and what already is in front of you, is an entire world full of experiences beyond your imagination and most vivid dreams.

Put yourself, your growth, and your developement, first.

Praise God I had the wherewithal to do just that for myself Son . . . and now its not only my turn to do it for you, but also my time to show you just how to do it for yourself - a joy for me the most beautiful songbird couldn't sing loud enough about.
What I already know is that there are long term repercussions to decisions I make now. Everything I do, every thought I have, every word I say and move I make creates a memory that you will hold in your body. It's imprinted on you and affects you even now - in subtle ways, ways you are not even yet aware of. . . it all will shape the man you grow to be.

With that in mind Son, Mom promises to always be very conscious and selective with the decisions she makes today - to ensure you have a wonderful tomorrow.

Your life little man -

Beautiful

"whatchu talkin' 'bout Willis?"

Another Milestone

Dear Son,

This week brought three events worthy of celebration. You turned 3 months old, the 4th of July - (both of which arrived on the same day), and you rolling over all by yourself.

(Yeah yeah, I know to some reading this, the whole rolling over thing may not seem like such a big deal, but if you'd spent the hours I have watching this little man make it to one side after so much struggle, only to fall right back onto his back - then you could better relate to my excitement. )

Everyday, every movement, every sound . . . is a milestone - and important beyond words to me. It seems only days ago I was writing about you turning two months old . . . and the days just keep passing us by. You're more and more aware of your surroundings - people you see regularly are becoming familiar to you, and I can see recognition on your face when you see them.

You amaze me Son - you forever will.

Say "Cheeeeese"

Now that is one happy baby

Portraits: Take Two

Dear Son,

Today I decided for us to try having your portraits made once again . . .Lucky you, a female photographer, whom you seemed much more pleased with than with the man we saw the first go round. Everyone in the place, including Ms. Photographer, agreed they'd never seen anything or anyone more beautiful. You were in the most pleasant mood, and seemed to take right to her, ya big flirt. Given the money to, I would have bought dozens of every pose . . . one day Son . . . one day Mommy will buy so very many - but we are blessed for now - your grandma is good to us and we do just fine. In any event, your smile radiated the studio, and I could not have been more proud had there been two of me.

I know I'm a bit biased perhaps, afterall, he is mine, but surely whomever else may read this will agree - that is one good looking little man I've got.



Thank you for your smile . . . for your laughter . . . for being the wonderful you that you are.

I love you