Another Lullaby

Seen a light divine

Seen water turn to wine

Seen healing hands and walking on the water

I've knelt in churches

But that was all just fruitless searches

For something to believe in

And I thought I'd seen it all

But I never saw a miracle
'Til baby I found you
I prayed I'd find my heaven
Then all my prayers came true
No, I never saw a miracle
I was blind but now I see
The miracle is the love you give to me

Seen a flower bloom
And a man walk on the moon
But I never seemed to find sweet inspiration
Seen the stars fall from the sky
And heard a newborn baby cry
And felt the warmth of human kindness
'Til the tears came to my eyes

I've never been a winner
And God knows I'm a sinner
But I found my salvation in you
Oh, I was lost until you found me
Put your loving all around me
Gave me back my faith
And my strength to carry on
And now, baby, I believe.

Dreams

Little sleeper,
curled in the shape of a half heart.

Nine months I carried you.
You slept, I dreamt.

We shaped each other.

Now, you carry me as a part
Of the you, you have become.

Little sleeper.
Done with the day.
Gone to magnificent dreams
Of who you will be.

Little sleeper.
Precious to me.

Another First

Dear Son,

This past Sunday was your first time going to church . . . and you behaved like many men I've seen within the walls of the sacred place . . . lively throughout the music portion of the service - sleeping peacefully during the sermon. I couldn't have been more proud though . . . and it was good to be in that place with you - the place, where among many other places, I'd prayed so feverishly for your safe arrival - I felt so blessed standing in that holy place with you in my arms - blessed to be able to thank Him properly for you. I am so undeserving of a gift as perfect, magical, and all loving as you, - yet somehow, here we are together.

I suspect I shall spend the rest of my days giving thanks for you . . . and that won't even be a raindrop in the bucket in comparison to just how grateful I truly am for you.

I love you Son. Now and forever.

Maybe Next Time

Dear Son,

Today you cemented for me, as if there were ever any doubt, the fact that this is indeed your world, and everyone else is just visiting.

You awoke your usual mellow self. We lay in bed and talked awhile (about the "big stuff" . . . what you were gonna wear, if you were interested in being in your swing, if we should wash your hair today . . . etc.) - then I reminded you that today you would be having your picture made. You seemed unphased, - and replied with a larger than life grin.
The morning passed us by quickly, and before I knew it I was getting us both ready to head out the door to the portrait studio. I'd bought you the most adorable little navy blue suit . . . the most handsome little man I'd ever laid eyes on. You were in an exceptionally good mood, even more-so than usual. You didn't even offer to frown once when I first snapped you into your carseat, a task that sometimes you find unpleasant. All in all, you hadn't been upset about anything the entire day.

We arrive to have your picture made. . . . I put you in your stroller, and you were taking in all the sights and sounds of the parking lot. I felt confident that this should go off without a hitch, and we'd be out of there in no time - beautiful pictures of my baby boy ordered and all.

Well, at least thats how I thought it would be.

It's as if some other personality took you over the minute we stepped inside.
At first, it was just a little frown.
So I took you out of the stroller . . . "oh, Im sure he'll be fine in just a minute"

Your grandmother held you as I filled out the paper work, you seemed to be ok.

But as soon as you were put on the platform to have your picture made -

You decided that was just of no interest to you.
You tried to be polite to the poor photographer at first, as he stood there, making the most rediculous noises I'd ever heard come from a grown man's mouth.

I could see it in your face though . . . you wouldn't even look at him - kept your gaze in my direction, as if to say "mom, this guy cant be serious." Oh, but he was.
Before I knew it, I found myself standing there like a fool talking to you in that rediculous tone . . .heaven help us.

Then the lip rolled out.

Then came the tears.

So hey, we'll wait to have your picture made . . . perhaps next week or something.

We've got all the time in the world baby boy.
All the time in the world.

Thank You

Dear Son,

On this sunny Friday morning, my heart swells as I realize something monumental . . . that is this: I need to thank you. My previous letter was about some things I may teach you - things you may learn from me. To my surprise, I realize today just how much you are already teaching me.

You are so happy . . . so happy just to "be". Just to wake up every day. Each morning, I awaken to the sound of your laughter . . . well, some mornings, it's just your smile - but either way, your happiness is undeniable. You don't bother to cry in order to wake me, you seem content just to lie there and "coo" - with only your hands to entertain you - and entertain you they must, because your smile is bigger than any I've seen, lighting the room way before the sun ever peeks out of bed. You can't communicate to me yet your wants, needs, thoughts . . . and yet, somehow - with that simple, mostbeautifulthingiveseen smile of yours . . . you do. You tell me goodmorning, you tell me you slept well, you thank me for feeding you, and keeping you dry. Even now, as I changed you, then lept from bed to key these thoughts to this unsuspecting keyboard - you lie in bed . . . laughing and talking to yourself . . . as if to tell me, "go ahead mom - I know you have something you need to take care of." I wonder if you also know, its all for you.

When that face of yours lights up to the sound of my voice each day . . . when you give me recognition letting me know you've realized I'm awake . . . well, it warms the farthest, coldest parts of my soul . . .

For that son, I thank you.

Roots and Wings

Dear Son,

In the weeks you've been with me - again and again it occurs to me how much you'll learn from me - even when I'm not knowingly teaching you. It's a natual thing, you'll just pick up habits, beliefs, fears and hopes as we go along. I shall do my best always to steer you in the right direction, but in the end, my true desire is for you to make your own way. To thine own self be true little man. This is not to say I won't have opinions, or that I won't be there whatever the decision at hand may be - but my joy will be in the fact that one day you won't need my opinions, my direction, my nod of approval . . . I pray to one day rest in the fact that I will have armed you with all you need to be the best YOU that you can be. I read something that stuck with me son . . . something I hope to impress upon your heart - a thought for you to carry close to you and remember - something to help you stay centered. That thought is this:

"to be yourself-
in a world which is doing its best
night and day
to make you everybody else-
means to fight the hardest battle
which any human being can fight
and never stop fighting."
-ee cummings

That is a lot to take in - but one day you will understand. Be yourself son - be who you are, stand up for what you believe, and do what you love. Don't let anyone else make those decisions for you. If you know it in your heart - if it is your truth - then you stand up and own it, and never be ashamed about doing so. It won't always be easy love - but I love you too much to paint a world for you only meant to be seen through rose colored lenses.

It is my prayer son, that one day you understand that the best things in life . . . well, they aren't things at all. For me, the best is God, you, family, love, laughter, teaching, learning, and acceptance. I will show to you these every day, but I will always give you room to find out what the best in life is for you - and at the end of the day, if your list doesn't match mine - I will rejoice in the fact that you've learned your own way.

On Singing To You

The first time ever I saw your face
I thought the sun rose in your eyes
And the moon and stars were the gifts you gave
To the dark and the empty skies, my love,
To the dark and the empty skies.

The first time ever I kissed your mouth
And felt your heart beat close to mine
Like the trembling heart of a captive bird
That was there at my command, my love
That was there at my command.

And the first time ever I lay with you
I felt your heart so close to mine
And I knew our joy would fill the earth
And last till the end of time my love
It would last till the end of time my love

The first time ever I saw your face
your face
your face

Dear Son,
This beautiful song by Roberta Flack I often sing to you . . . you look at me, as if to understand.

In Deep Thought

Just another day in paradise

Ten Weeks

I Don't Love You Much Do I?
Just More than All the Stars in The Sky.

Dear Son,

Tomorrow you will be ten weeks old. Please tell me, where has the time already gone? You now very much have your own personality, quite mellow and laid back, but very capable of expressing your likes and dislikes. I couldn't count the times I've looked into your face, wondering all the while just what I was doing with life before you came along. I have so much meaning and purpose now - don't fret little one, I had purpose before you . . . mommy is strong - but you enrich and make whole that purpose - you strengthen it every day. You are nothing short of a miracle, and I sit - hopelessly in awe of your every breath.

Heart Strings

Dear Son,

This is the very first picture taken of you with your Uncle Lance. I cried the first time I saw it. It was an amazing, and not altogether expected flood of emotions . . . seeing my very best friend, the one who's been there with me through it all, the one who knows so many of my secrets - secrets I told only to one other, and that person is you, while you still lived inside, the person whom for so long I'd loved more than any other, now holding the person I will forever love more than any other . . . . it was a beautiful thing to behold. How much, I love you both.

Original Date: May 15, 2006 - My First Mothers Day

Spring breezes filtered through the screen door early yesterday morning. In my T-shirt and sweatpants, I breathed in the fragrant air, wondering how this Sunday -- Mother's Day -- would be different from the many other Sundays that had come and gone over the past 10 or so years. In my arms, I held a tiny creature that was only a month old. My little Luca . . . full of marvel. In those quiet moments of looking into his eyes - I remembered all of the Mothers days that had passed in my adult life. How honoring my mother has always been a daily joy for me and Mothers Day was never an exception . . . . but in the years I had been led to believe I would never be one of the celebrated - Mothers Day had become difficult. I never felt sorry for myself, but there were moments of vast emptiness, that sometimes enveloped me on that day. My mother has always been the most important person in my life - and the years I spent believing I'd not be able to carry on the spectacular legacy she'd made of being a mother, were at times difficult to deal with, especially on this day. I'd dreamed of being half the mother to a child that she had been to me - it seemed unfair not to be able to pass on all the unconditional love, support, faith, understanding, wisdom and laughter that she has laced my life with. Now, defying the odds - there he and I stood, my beautiful boy and me. In that second, it became clear . . . . no matter the circumstance surrounding him, I would have loved him beyond what words could express - but living those years thinking he would never come to me, can only now multiply my love for him ten thousand lifetimes over. He, in and of himself, was the reason this year I joined the ranks of the celebrated . . . he is my Mothers Day gift. Yesterday, today, and everyday until forever.

Original Date: May 4, 2006

Dear Son, Today marks one month. For one month, I have awakened to the sound of your breath, the smell of your skin. ... and in that month, you have completely changed, rearranged, and made beautiful my world. So much wisdom right there in your eyes for me to soak up - Ive found myself wondering is it I that soothes you, or perhaps . . . is it the other way around? Four short weeks, and already you have given more gifts than ever I could have imagined. Oh, I knew I would love you - but just how deliriously in love with you I could become, would become - my head still is unable to wrap around - and again, in only four weeks. I never thought about how I would look into teary eyes and cry myself. . . .Didnt know I could become gloriously happy over a simple grin. Before you, I had no idea how many late hours at night I could spend watching you sleep. How is it that something, . . . someone so small can make me feel so big - so important? How many times have I held you while you slept - not because you needed me to - but because I needed to. I would willingly give my life for yours, and die again a thousand deaths to save you from any harm this life threatens to bring - for I never lived before there was you anyway . . . I thought I was living, but there simply was no life before you. However did I make it all those years before you chose me? And now, I cant even remember hardly a second of that time - nor do I want to. It seems that now, there is only you, and was nothing before you. Thank you dear child, for the blessing of your love. I will never deserve it, but will selfishly take it forever, and give back to you every once I have in me, until I draw my last breath. One day Son, one day you will ask "how much" . . . . and my simple reply again and again will be - "so much Son . . .so very much."

The Day I Met You

Dear Son,

I remember the ride to the hospital that day, April 4, 2006 . . . We left around 6am. The entire way there, all I could think was that there would be another person in the car with us on the ride home . . . where this little person had yet to exist out in the world, he would now be. Totally, utterly, all encompassing was that thought - and I . . . overjoyed. Not scared or nervous, but filled to the very brim with joy. So many months I'd prayed, and wondered, and hoped and wished . . . and finally, you were going to join me - our lives to be entertwined, my heart - leaving my body, growing arms and legs, and existing outside my body. I just wanted to kiss you again and again . . . touch your fingers, see your nose.
When they laid you on me for the first time - while you were still attached to me . . . my world stopped - and when it began again, I had changed . . . I knew in that instant, that nothing mattered more than you, that there could never be a greater love. I vowed in that moment to go to the ends of the earth for you if need be.

There must have been an angel by my side
Something heavenly led me to you
Look at the sky
It's the color of love
There must have been an angel by my side
Something heavenly came down from above
He led me to you
He built a bridge to your heart
All the way
How many tons of love inside
I can't say

When I was led to you
I knew you were the one for me
I swear the whole world could feel my heartbeat
When I lay eyes on you
You wrapped me up in
The color of love

You gave me the kiss of life
Kiss of Life
You gave me the kiss that's like
The kiss of life

Wasn't it clear from the start
Look the sky is full of love
Yeah the sky is full of love
He built a bridge to your heart
All the way
How many tons of love inside
I can't say

Original Date: April 7

For my son - who came into the world only 62 hours ago, and has colored my life and filled my soul in ways I'd only dreamt of before.
My heart shall never be the same . . . beautiful child - miracle you are.

Everyday, Everyday with you
Every little thing you do the way you do
Little darlin' in your eyes
Got me all up and away
You get me high

I saw you there since then everyday
It's like I'm lost and thinking of you in everyway
Since I fell into your eyes
All I know is that you get me high
You get me high

Up and away
You take me baby
Ohh you take me baby

And then you walk the way you walk
You blow my mind to know the way you walk in my way
Then I fall into your eyes
Up up and away the way your eyes
Ohh baby
The way you make me high

Before you came you know I didn't care
It's just a game I play
All up and away,
All up and away
You take me baby

All for you I give it all
Cause when I'm thinking of you
When I'm flying above the world
How I wish I was drowning in you
I must admit that I'm oh so in love you know
Please don't ever let me go
You've done nothing to me but up up and away you go
All up and away
Ah you take me baby
DMB

Original Date: March 31

Dear
Son

On
the
path
to
the
dream

you will uncover many treasures

and
encounter
stubborn
obstacles


which may spring up when you least expect

so
when
you
trip
on
roots
and
rocks

and rub the skin raw off your shin

do
remember,
while
you're
sitting

(perhaps feeling
sorry for
your self)

to touch
the cool
green fuzz of moss

and see the dazzling sun dancing

and hear
the
glorious
song of
birds,
as they call to one another

and when you've rested you'll continue,

with love
and
beauty

while
wisdom
waits

with patient trust

in
your
arrival

Original Date: March 29

Dear Son,

It is 3:30 am, and again I am up waiting for your arrival. With every passing day, you make more aware your presence inside me. You are close now - have settled down, found your position - don't move near as much . . . but I feel you - your spirit living in me, as strong as my own. I pace the floors at this time each night, a bit against doctors orders - but you . . . you spring me to my feet, up and down the hall - into the room I have took pains to make so very perfect for you . . . touching your clothes, sitting in the rocker where you will soon nurse, running my little swollen fingers the length of your crib . . . then to the refrigerator for ice cold milk (something I destested before you my dear, what an influence already you have).

You and I . . . we've come so far these nine months. How I've grown, changed . . . how you've grown, changed.

I never thought I would have you. Lost hope for a time - heard their words as I sat in cold rooms wearing stiff gowns - as one after another they examined me, and searched for the right words to explain . . . "cancer" . . . "so young" . . . "scar tissue" . . . "dont worry - there are always alternatives" . . . "we hate to rule out completely your chances of concieving naturally . . . but . . ."

I didn't want "alternatives". I wanted to carry you - take all the pain and the glory - the satisfaction of giving you life. And you must have known - for to everyones surprise and amazement, most of all mine, you've chosen me.

How I longed for you, prayed for you . . . cried out in my darkest hours and wondered why not. . .

You heard me. Knew I needed you.

I thought I knew everything before you - I knew nothing. And am certain once I see your face - I will truly realize I knew even less than that.

Backtracking

I welcomed the love of my life, Luca, into the world April 4, 2006, and have meant to get this space set up for him since. Tonight, at the suggestion of my dear friend Meg, I am finally getting around to it. (Imagine that . . . I've been a little busy.) I'd written some things to him, for him, and about him during my pregnancy, and in the time since he's been with me - and I think I will add them here for starters. Then pick up right where we're at today.

Enjoy our journey - thank you for sharing this with us!