The Beginning

Dear Son,

It was one year ago . . . almost down to the hour I am writing these words, that I found out I was carrying you. In my honesty with you, I will tell you that it was the happiest, and most terrifying moment of my life thus far. Amidst my fear and trepidation . . . there was overwhelming and enormous joy. From my lips to Gods ears was a quiet thank-you. Tears, streaming from my face as doctors and nurses scrambled and whispered.

You see, minutes after my doctor told me the news, I was being whisked away to a dimly lit room for an ultrasound. My little one, there was fear and immediate speculation that you may not make it - my body was responding in an odd way to you being in there . . . but within seconds of lying on that tiny, cold hospital bed - my ears were filled with the sound of your heartbeat. I swear . . . and this I know - it was the equivalent of a million angels singing.
As you grow and mature, you'll hear people use the phrase a moment of clarity. We'll talk another day about exactly what that means, but I can tell you - that moment was mine . . my life had changed, my soul had changed. . . and in that - that instant - I loved you, and knew that my days from there to eternity would be for you. I was afraid somewhere deep inside - but moreover - I was soaring somewhere above the bed I was lying on. I will never forget the words the nurse said upon seeing you on the monitor . . . thats a brave little critter you have in there, his will to be here is strong. And my will to make sure you made it safely here was even stronger - whatever the cost, no matter the sacrifice.

You see Son, you coming to me . . . me who wasn't sure she could even carry a baby . . .the complications surrounding everything that I touched back then . . . the timing of your arrival in my life . . . you and I together - it was no accident. It was indeed, divine. You Son, are divine. Not only did I give you life - and fight to make sure you were able to be here to live it - you gave me back mine. All the failed attempts at sobriety - do away with the cigarettes - so many times I had tried Son. Sure, I functioned well enough . . . but little did I know [actually, I think I did know, just couldn't admit it to myself] - that everyone around me could see . . . I was killing myself daily - and it wasn't a slow process. I had lost my handle. The woman you know as mother - was a different woman then. In fact, the person I am today didn't yet exist. You gave her life. You created her. One day, you will understand all these things - one day - there will be much more explanation, for I have nothing here to hide from you, my prayer, that you learn from my mistakes.

You Son, gave me strength.

It's been one year since I walked out of that doctors office for the first time with the knowledge that there was you . . . never have I taken another drink - never have I even attempted to put a cigarette to my lips.

My joy you are - and the day I look in your eyes and see pride - my purpose then fulfilled.

I love you.